Bag of Chips
by samtana
Summary: Because you can't read just one. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Trapped In Here Forever With You

Mai and Ty Lee walked in to see Azula eating Ursa's soul. They stared at each other.

"Well," said Azula, putting down her fork. "This is awkward."

* * *

"I am the Avatar!" proclaimed Aang. "The master of all five elements!"

"Five?" laughed Fire Lord Ozai. "What's the fifth?"

"The element… of surprise! Wachow!"

Stumbling over, Ozai wondered how his leg had just become a borecupine.

* * *

Xin Fu sniffed. What was that smell?

"Sorry," said Master Yu meekly. "But on the bright side, I don't have to use the bathroom anymore."

* * *

"See you later, Katara!" chirped Aang. "Zuko and I are going to the Sun Temple, where you can't protect me if he turns evil again!"

"Have fun!" said Katara. "Oh, and Zuko? Come here a moment." She rested one hand on Zuko's forehead and another on his chest and started chanting in a low but strong voice: "Harkalchah, morphidalcha, homiato farmacha, lort mivotar, homialofta, GARUFTA MYARPYALSA!" With that she walked away, a smug grin on her face.

"What was that all about?" said Zuko, resting his hand on the airbender's shoulder. 400,000 volts of electricity coursed through his body.

Aang giggled. "Look at your hair!"

* * *

"I'm tired of carrying everyone on my back," groaned Appa.

"Shut your pie hole," said Atlas.

* * *

"I have a question," a young boy asked Combustion Man. "Where do babies come from?"

Combustion Man incinerated him.

The moral of this story: Don't ask Combustion Man where babies come from.

* * *

"Okay, Sokka," said Bato. "Are you ready for your Water Tribe rite of passage?"

Sokka shouted, "I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat!"

"You're going to have to stop that at some point," sighed Bato. "Like when your voice gives out."

"Take a good hard look at the mother-effin' boat!"

* * *

"What are you going to call him?" Katara asked. The lemur snatched Sokka's fruit and started eating it from Aang's shoulder.

"I was thinking, 'Monster Of Malevolent Obliteration.'"

Katara nodded. "Momo. I like it."

Awesomely Powerful Person Annihilator growled.

* * *

"253,971 bottles of beer on the wall, 253,971 bottles of beer! Take one down pass it around, 253,970 bottles of beer on the wall! Oh! 253,970…"

"Stop singing, Master Yu," sobbed Xin Fu. "Please, make it stop."

"You idiot! You made me lose count! Now I have to start over!"

"I have to go to the bathroom," moaned Xin Fu.

* * *

"My dog ate my homework! I swear!"

"I can tell you're lying."

"Aw, man, Miss. Toph."

* * *

"The Boulder is bad! You don't mess with the Boulder! The Boulder rules all!"

"I adore that talk. Leave this haiku unfinished. Just kiss me, Boulder!"

* * *

"Next on ESPN's World Series of Poker 2009, we have a heads up match between two phenomenal players. Our chip leader is Toph Bei Fong, whose inability to see the cards is made up for by her uncanny knack for knowing when another player is lying. Across from her is Koh the Face Stealer, who has been able to rout any player who can't hold his poker face. And now, a word from our sponsor."

"Poker isn't a sport, you nimrod!"

"Ha ha ha, oh, that just gets me every time. Now let's get back to the action."

"It's not action! Gah!"

* * *

Toph waved to the adulating crowd as it rejoiced in the end of war. She found her father in the thick and ran up to him, excited. He opened his arms to her, and she gave him a good punch in the shoulder.

"Toph, what the %$&*, you #$% {$^%!" he exclaimed. "%#$*, that hurt!"

"It's how I show affection…" said Toph weakly.

"Oh. In that case," said Toph's father, returning the punch, "right back at 'cha, kid!"

"I can't believe it!" cried Toph. "My own father hit me!" She ran off.

"Wait!" called Toph's father. "But… I thought…"

* * *

"Xin Fu, do you think that we'll be in here so long that Samtana will own Avatar by the time we get out?"

"No, dumb face. One thing I'm sure of is that Samtana will never own Avatar."

"Oh. But if he did, do you think he would free us?"

* * *

No.

* * *

"Ribbit," said the badgerfrog.

"What he said," said Zuko.

"Where did you all come from?" said Ty Lee.

"I'm taking a bath in here!" shrieked Toph.

"Rawr," said Appa.

"Anyone want tea?" said Iroh.

"Let's go postal!" said Bumi.

"Now we're talking!" said Aang.

* * *

In the crystal catacombs of Ba Sing Se, Azula struck Aang with lightning.

"Bravo," clapped Emperor Palpatine. "Excellent form, young padiwan. Here, have some more of your mother's soul."

"Yay!" squealed Azula, digging in.

* * *

Uncle walked over to Jin with a steaming cup of soothing jasmine tea. "You come here all the time," he said, setting the cup on the table. "This one's for free."

"Man!" whined Jin. "What do I look like, a charity case?" She took it, and threw it on the ground!

Uncle cried over spilled tea and Zuko was in love.

* * *

"Hi, I'm Aang!" waved the airbender.

"Stupid arrows," cursed Mitch Hedberg. "Telling me which way to go." He mumbled to himself as he trudged off in the direction the arrow on the back of Aang's hand pointed.

_Mitch Hedberg, RIP_

* * *

"I am an all-knowing ancient spirit," said the giant owl. "And I know you two are in love, so just admit it!"

Aang and Katara glanced at each other, then quickly turned away. Wan Shi Tong rolled his eyes. "Not you two. You two."

Sokka looked into Momo's eyes, and it was like magic.

* * *

"No making out in the library."

* * *

"Why did we leave Jet, Longshot, and Smellerbee in Lake Laogi? You can't get out without an earthbender."

"Oh, yeah." Katara shrugged. "Whatevs."

-5 months later-

"Hi, I'm Ju Dee. Welcome to our wonderful city."

Katara's jaw dropped. "Jet?"

Ju Dee cocked her head and put the hook swords away. "Who is Jet? I am Ju Dee."

* * *

Smellerbee lifted her arms to the sky, a wild rage in her eyes. "And now, let this fire give birth to my master, the Lord of Darkness, Zarboofa!" The flames spat as high as trees and the Dark Lord emerged into the earthly plane, cackling with evil triumph.

Jet gaped. "He's tiny."

A gust of wind blew the Dark Lord away like a leaf.

* * *

"If you so much as touch Aang," Katara growled, "I will end your destiny. Permanently!"

"You don't have the guts," sneered Zuko.

They flung themselves into each other's arms in a passionate kiss.

"Wait, what are we doing?" said Zuko, breaking away. "I love Mai!"

"And I love Aang!" breathed Katara, licking his ear. "But I don't care!"

"You hot devil, you," said Zuko, pressing into her lips again.

A few minutes later, still in Zuko's embrace, Katara said, "Is it just me, or does Zutara feel like a crappy French romance movie?"

"Oui oui," said Zuko.

* * *

"Eenie meanie minie moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers…" said Sokka.

Suki rolled her eyes. "Is this humiliating to anyone else?" Toph, Yue, and Ty Lee all nodded.

* * *

"Look, Master Yu! Our beards are long and thick enough that we could probably pick the lock!"

"But didn't Toph seal it shut with metalbending?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"Now, let's get back to singing!"

"Mommy…"

* * *

_List of what I don't own but used in this chapter_: Star Wars, Mitch Hedburg jokes, "I'm on a Boat" and "On the Ground" (Lonely Island songs); and ESPN. I'm pretty sure Eenie Meenie Miney Moe is in the public domain. All Avatar disclaimers will be mentioned within the chapter, but just to be clear: I don't own Avatar.

-samtana


	2. Toph and Koh Get Wired

This Friday will witness the much-anticipated release of Toph's autobiography, entitled what appears to be _Huw J Soved Lha Wonld_! Come pick up your copy of her retelling of the epic quest to bring an end to the Great War, told in her own words (since they're definitely not any words _I've_ ever seen before). Critics from each nation are raving:

"Wait, how do you read this?" – _The_ _North Pole Times_

"No, seriously, I can't understand this at all. Is this some sort of ancient script or something?" – _The Daily Ba Sing Se_

"Toph masterfully weaves an intricate coming-of-age tale of personal growth, angst, intense friendship, family, overcoming obstacles, and unrequited love… as far as I can tell." – _The Fire Nation Chronicle_

"I don't read books, but I'm sure it's great!" – Sokka, Southern Water Tribe war hero

"Brilliant! A work of pure genius!" – King Bumi of Omashu

Published by Wan Shi Tong Press, this is one upcoming release you won't want to miss! Pre-order today!

* * *

"Holy cow!" exclaimed Koh. "You're the Avatar! The real Avatar! I can't believe it!"

Aang bowed politely. "It's always nice to meet a fan," he said.

Koh lifted up a camera. "Let me get a picture, okay? Just one, please? Say cheese!"

"Cheese!" said Aang.

"Gotcha!" Koh zipped in.

* * *

"So, what we want to ask," shouted Aang over the Donkey Kong music, "is for you to train me in earthbending so I can master all four elements."

Toph struggled with the Playstation controller, moving it this way and that in the air. "Yeah, sure," she said curtly. "Just let me get to a good stopping point."

"And when will that be?" shouted Aang. "We're trying to save the world here!"

Toph turned the volume up. "Soon enough. Don't break my concentration!"

"That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure got a mean Donkey Kong!" sang Roger Daltrey.

"No," scolded Sokka.

* * *

The simple townsfolk gaped. "Who is that masked man?" one breathless woman gasped in awe.

The Blue Spirit bowed theatrically. "Call me Ishmael."

* * *

"Psh!" said Katara to the devastated airbender, pulling Toph closer. "I'm getting married for the money."

* * *

"So I was thinking that maybe I could make a sword before I go," said Sokka to Master Piandao with big eyes, his hands clamped together.

"Are you out of your freaking mind?!" exclaimed Master Piandao. "Do you have any idea how long it takes to forge a sword? Huh? Six freaking months! And that's if you're going at breakneck speed with a team of smithies! What would possibly give you the idea that you could forge one in a weekend?"

Sokka shrugged. "If I could master swordsmanship in a day, how hard could making a sword be?"

Piandao stared at him, then slouched his shoulders. "I'll get the furnace started."

* * *

Koh sat at his fifty computers, typing at each one with his clicking feet. "Hey, Hei Bai! Come over here!" he said excitedly. The panda spirit ambled over. "Check out this awesome online networking site I just discovered! It's called Facebook!"

People of earth, we're in trouble.

* * *

"I've got an idea!" said Azula. "Let's have a slumber party!"

"Yippee!" squealed Ty Lee. "Can we wear our jammies?"

"Of course," grinned Azula, rubbing her hands together. "Then we can all drink cactus juice, steal some kitchen knives, blow out the candles, and then-" she paused for effect, "whoever's still standing at sunrise is the winner!"

Everyone stared as she laughed manically.

"That sounds horrible," said Ty Lee. Her expression turned from shocked to thoughtful. "But I do love jammies."

* * *

"It's like an out of the body experience!" squealed Toph.

Meng snorted. "Shut up, floozy."

* * *

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said Toph.

"Yes!" shrieked Roger Daltrey with glee. "Super Smash Brothers Brawl!" He jumped Toph's collection of game cartridges.

"Toph!" shouted Aang. "I need to save the world! Train me! I'm begging you!" He dropped to his knees.

"Uh, hello?" said Toph, putting her thumb in her ear and her pinky in front of her mouth to look like a phone. "Nope, sorry, playing video games with a rock legend here." She dropped her hand and shook her head sadly at Aang. "Sorry, she hung up."

"Rock legend," said Roger Daltrey, blushing. "You flatter me."

* * *

Zuko sat, cross-legged, aimlessly tossing bread morsels to the turtle ducks. With a fury of quacks and feathers they darted away, an ominous shadow falling over them. Azula had arrived.

"They're even more scared of you than usual," said Zuko absently.

Azula replied with a shrug, "Only because I made that turduckin the other day."

* * *

Aang collapsed, having been faked out once again, and watched from the ground as another shot went through the basket.

"Ha ha!" shouted Koh, doing his victory dance. "In your _face_!"

Aang groaned. "Do you have to say that every time?"

* * *

Long ago the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Avatar, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished. Soon after, the Fire Nation wiped out the hairbenders completely, and now they threaten the very existence of the Water Tribe and Earth Kingdom. Without the Hair Nomads the world is in dissaray. Combs are worthless, scrunchies fall out, everyone wears bed-head style, and it is impossible to look nice for a date.

But I haven't lost hope. I still believe that somehow the Avatar will return to save the world, and he will master hairbending so my hair can finally stop looking so poofy.

Oh crap, he's bald.

* * *

Katara watched with panic as Aang's glowing body was lifted into the air by a windstorm. "I'm 112!" he bellowed at her. "Of course I'm bald!"

Sokka handed him a bottle. "Have you tried Rogaine?"

* * *

"Take this, too," said Sokka, passing the calmed Avatar a tube of tooth whitener and a breath mint. "I'm just sayin'."

And the Avatar state was triggered again.

* * *

"Yo!" boomed Shoji. "You mother-f***ers best get out my way!

I'm gonna dance all night and party all day!

I don't give a s*** what the headmaster say

And I'm not afraid of that a**-hole Hide!"

Aang buried his head in his hands. "I should never have told everyone to freestyle," he groaned to himself.

* * *

The Earth King and Bosco approached the Blue Spirit. "Now we'll discover who was behind all this for once and for all!" They removed his mask to reveal…

"Long Feng?!"

"That's right!" growled the angry man. "And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" He pointed at Aang and the others as they took their bows.

At the sight of Appa Bosco flipped out, leaping into the Earth King's arms, stammering, "M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-monster!" They scampered off.

* * *

Zuko slipped on the mask. "I'm feeling… Blue _Spirited Away_," he said in a menacing tone.

Uncle slapped his forehead. "We've got to work on your catch phrases, Nephew."

Lifting the swords, Zuko added, "_Blade 2_."

"_Blade_- Awwwww…" groaned Jet.

* * *

"Alright!" shouted Koh. "It's time to kick ass and take faces!"

Everyone stared. "Don't you mean, 'take names?'" someone said.

Koh shook his head definitively. "Nope."

* * *

"Hey, Toph, do you want to invite Samtana to play with us?" said Roger Daltrey. "We could bet Avatar on the game."

"Come on, Roger. You know he sucks at video games."

"Yeah, but it's so fun to watch him get flustered when he loses with Avatar on the line."

"Ha! He doesn't own Avatar now and he never will!"

"Pound it!"

Toph pounded it.

* * *

Aang glared at the blue humanoid with a tail who, while animated with the capacity for three dimensions, was actually as flat as a piece of paper, stumbling on its thin feet in order to remain standing. Finally Aang shouted in his face, "You are a disgrace to character development, you ugly sack of toilet residue! You are worse than a stereotypical zit on a stereotypical teenager!"

Jake Sully stumbled back. "I have already chosen my mate, but she has to choose me?" he stuttered.

Aang, the _real_ Avatar, shoved him to the ground. "Go back to Disneyland, Pocahontas!" He spat on him and walked away.

* * *

Hahn stared at Toph, his tongue lolled out of his mouth in a goofy grin. Toph sneered at him. "What are you so excited about?" she snapped.

He drooled all over himself and sighed as if mesmerized, "…Perks…"

* * *

"I'll take you myself," said the Fire Nation general, facing off against the Painted Lady.

Katara gasped. "Long Feng?"

The Fire Nation General's eye twitched. "Who?" He said, but his sweating gave away that he knew more than he let on.

"Long Feng, The Earth King has invited you to Lake Laogi," Katara experimented cautiously.

The general dropped his stance, his pupils widening. "I am honored to accept his invitation."

He promptly stripped naked, grew a second head, and dove into the polluted river.

* * *

"Maria, Maria," cooed Shu.

"What?" said Oma. "Why are you calling me that?"

"You remind me of a West Side Story," said Shu, "with the sound of a guitar played by Carlos Santana."

"Well, you remind me of a moose," said Oma.

"Um, thanks," said Shu.

* * *

"Sokka," said Katara, gaping. "What are you doing with that huge scroll? I thought you don't read books."

"It's a phonebook," he replied with a curl at the end of his lips, not looking up from the page. "I'm looking up Princess Yue's number."

Katara and Aang looked at each other. "Um, Sokka?" she said. "Sokka, you can't…"

"Sh! I'm trying to concentrate! Yua, Yuala, Yuaya, Yuca… Here it is! Yue!" Sokka frowned. "It says, 'There is no such thing as a phone, dummy.' Huh." His eyes scanned up and down the page. "That's what it says for everyone."

Sokka turned to her with tears in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

* * *

"That was as easy as stealing faces from a baby!"

* * *

"Oh!" Toph yelped. "Let's play Final Fantasy next!"

Aang stood up. "That's it! I've had it!" He thrust a finger into Toph's face. "You just lost a student. I'm finding another earthbending master!" He turned his accusing appendage to Roger Daltrey. "And you," he snarled. "I've never liked Tommy. Quadrophenia is a much better rock opera." He stormed out.

There was a brief silence. Toph shrugged. "Oh, well. He's finally gone. Hear that, Ozai?" she called over her shoulder. "He's gone!"

The closet door opened, revealing a very cramped Fire Lord. "About time!" He dusted himself off. "Now are you two ready for a _real_ Super Smash Brothers fight?"

"You're on, buster!" smirked Toph. "This one's for Avatar, okay?"

* * *

List of things I don't own: Donkey Kong, Playstation, The Who and anything related (ie. Tommy, Quadrophenia, and Roger Daltrey), Super Smash Brothers, Final Fantasy, Rogaine, Scooby Doo, _Spirited Away_, _Blade 2_, Facebook, _Avatar_, _West Side Story_, "Maria," Carlos Santana, _Moby Dick_, and "Jammies."

-samtana


	3. Yo Mamma's So Hungry For More Chips

"Sure, we can make tons of money scamming people with your awesome earthbending powers," Sokka told Toph dismissively, his nose high in the air, his hand wobbling disapprovingly in front of his face. "_Or!_" His eyes lit up. "We can sell tickets to you and Katara fighting when you're supposed to be training Aang! We can call it 'female mud wrestling!'"

"I'd pay to watch it," said Zuko.

Everyone stared.

"What?"

Yo mamma's so ugly not even Koh the Face Stealer wants to see her smile.

Mai crossed her legs and closed her eyes, levitating into the air, and hummed, "Azarath Metrion Zinthos."

"I think I'm in love with you," said Raven.

Lock eyes from across the gloom

Shiver once as the fire booms

Glare at you and skip the names

No need here for the silly games

Think about the fight, don't make a sound

You're in that ship like you're on a cloud

I'm scared to death and the angels cry

'Cause you're the baddest dude in the world, Ozai

And I s*** in my pants

Don't tell your friends or I'll be in a rut

Plus I'm mad scared you're gonna kick my butt

And send that fireball into my gut

Now I'll go home and hide.

"Yeah!" chirped Aang. "And who keeps us laughing with sarcastic comments all the time? I mean, look at Katara's hair, right? What's up with that?"

"Oooooo eeee!" sang Deandre Cole. "What up with that? What up with that?"

"Why?" said a panicked Katara. "What's wrong with my hair?"

Deandre Cole sat down across from her. "All right!" he smiled jovially, catching his breath and combing back some of his sweaty hair. "My first guest is waterbender Katara from the South Pole! We're gonna start a little chittin'." He perked up at the sound of music picking up in the background. "We're gonna start a little chattin'. We're gonna chit! And chat! With this! And That! We're gonna find out why she don't cover her hair with a hat!" He leapt up as the band slid on stage. "Oooooo eeee! What up with that? What up with that?"

Aang groaned, "Maybe we should've just let this town burn down."

Yo mamma's so dumb she thinks Samtana owns Avatar.

"My name is Katara!" she shouted at Yon Rha. "You killed my mother! Prepare to die!"

"Guys, I've got some bad news," said a forlorn Zuko. "I've lost my stuff."

"Hm," said Toph. "How do you pronounce your name?"

"Um… Zuko."

"It's not Barbara Riddle?"

Zuko cocked his head. "Uh, no…?"

"Look," said Katara, standing up and jabbing Zuko in the chest. "Stop calling us, Zuko. We burned your bag. We s*** in it first."

"It's our policy," explained Aang. "S*** 'n burn. S*** 'n burn. S***. Burn. S*** again. Take a s***. Burn."

"This could be the plot of a very boring movie," groaned Eugene Mirman.

"And the Miss Four Nations winner is: Katara!" announced the delegates from the Order of the White Lotus. Katara strode up to the stage, her sparkling blue dress sprinkling bursts of light into everyone's star struck eyes. Each and every person in the audience was certain that the love they instantly discovered for her was the first instance of true love he had ever felt.

And then they j***ed in their pants.

"What are you going to be for Halloween?"

"Koh the Face Stealer!"

"Really? What kind of mask are you going to wear?"

"I… uh… good question!"

An ominous gust of wind blew through the Cave of Two Lovers, carrying with it the sound of a distant wailing saxophone. "It must be the curse!" wailed Chong. "Sergio is coming!"

Sokka arched his eyebrow. "Sergio?"

With that the wall of the cave exploded, and in jumped the sexy, half-naked, gyrating, tsungi horn-weilding… Uncle Iroh. Playing the horn all the while, he sauntered up to Katara and wiggled his fat hips suggestively at her face, the voluptuous sound echoing throughout the cavern.

Chong scratched his head. "Where's Sergio?"

Iroh took the horn from his mouth and grinned seductively at them, saying in a breathy near-whisper: "SergIroh!"

"Falcor, yip yip!"

"That man's being attacked by a platypus bear!" yelled Aang.

"Quick! Play dead!" Sokka urged. "He'll lose interest!"

"Sokka!" scolded Katara. "You know that's only a rumor that bears spread!"

"She's right," said Bosco.

Aang's eyes filled with water. "But… I thought…"

"Well, Aunt Wu said I would marry a powerful bender," said Katara.

"So, you can bite my shiny metal a$$!" said Bender.

"We found it!" cried Katara. "We found the Northern Water Tribe!"

"Great," groaned Appa. "Now will you let me out of this mother f***ing ice trap? I'm freezing my a$$ off here."

It's because he says stuff like that all the time that Appa was bleeped out throughout the show.

"Us, kissing!" Katara laughed. "Can you imagine that?"

"Yeah," chuckled Aang. "I do every night."

Katara stared blankly at him.

"And then," Aang continued sheepishly, "I imagine pulling the blanket over our heads and moving my hand down to **[-Censored-]** all over your **[-Censored-] **with thirty feet of rope and **[-Censored-] **Cameron Diaz watching as we **[-Censored-]** until we're too exhausted and happy to breathe."

"Wow," said a wide-eyed Katara, an excited smile growing on her face. "I don't think I even want to find the exit anymore!"

"Names? Of course we have names!" fumbled Zuko. "I'm… Lee. This is my uncle, uh… Mushi."

Song put her hands on her hips and stared coldly at the banished prince. "Look, if you're going to take the trouble of being secretive about your _real _names, you should've thought of fake names _before_ you came here, dummy."

"Darn tootin'!" chirped Mr. Pippinpaddleopsikopolis III.

"You have to attack it head on," said Toph. "And when I mean head on, I mean like this!" She jumped on the rock, shattering it to pieces.

"Oh, you mean like when we went to Roku's island and I smashed through that fireball," said Aang.

Katara shook her head. "I think she means like when you smashed Zuko's fireball into the ice cliff and ruined his ship."

"No," said Aang. "I think she means like when I beat the Rough Rhino leader by jumping straight into his fireball attack."

"I actually mean the opposite of this," said Toph, tossing her smirking head over to Aang, who dropped it in bewilderment.

_List of things I don't own_: Teen Titans, "What Up With That," "J**Z In My Pants," "The Curse," _ The Princess Bride_, "God is a Twelve-Year-Old Boy With Asbergers" (by Eugene Mirman, but most of the dialogue I used was voiced by Larry Murphy), _Neverending Story_, _Futurama_,


End file.
